alyssadarkangel

im alyssa (obvious)..well, if i'd tell you my whole story, it would take like ten years coz i have many interesting tales of my life so far. at my age, i have been through a lot.

im a filipina, and im not afraid to admit it! hehe.. im not that typical 14 year old girl who is into what's new about paris hilton or what's the latest trend. although im interested in fashion. in school, i would say that almost everybody knows me, and i dont know why. i have a line of great friends. but i have these vices, i drink, and sometimes, i even smoke.i know that at my age, i dont have the right to have vices coz i dont have a job or anything but because of what i have been through, and what i am going through right now, i have done it. i mean, one more mistake and i would be a drop out!. but now, im trying to be good as can be..here in buzznet, i guess im an outcast, i dont really fit in with other groups but its not sad, i get to speak what i think about.love me or hate me i dont care.

i guess, i want to be known, and popular at that. maybe that's why im posting this journal right now. i want to be heard. i want people to know my story. i want them to be aware that not everyone has it good. that eventhough you go through hard problems, you could still live and move on.

hmmm...there, are many people posting journals like this, some maybe better, some maybe worse. and for my age, i guess the chances are 1 to a million. i just want to be big! hehe..so i could prove not just to anyone, but myself, that i can do something good for once...XD

signing off...alyssa

im trying to change, but it seems to me that you dont even give a shit that want to change...i know i have messed up bigtime, but cant you see that i have learned my lesson?! damn! i didnt thought it would be this way. up to this point im still in pain, i want to kill myself. dont you think that its not only your problem too? i wanted to stop myself too, i was just waiting for someone to help me and i thought that was gonna be you. ma, im so SORRY. please forgive me. i didnt meant to hurt you. im just going through a phase, and i just want you to understand...i've got nothing more to say..just, sorry....

++++--''hoping for the best''--++++

this has been the lowest point of my life yet. i went home around 4 a.m drunk. my mother, was bursting angry! i had nothing to do but take what she had to say. i was disappointed of myself. i have changed bigtime and i mean big. last year, i was just a simple teen. busy in studying, barely going outside of our house. but look at me now, i drink three to two times a week. its usual that i go home late at a friday night and drunk and i have low scores on my card. i wouldnt want to watse my life on such dirty things but i have. this alyssa is someone i have never met. i never thought i'd be like this. its not good 

now, my mom wants me to drop out of highschool. she said i was full of vices. and that i was just wasting time and money. although i was getting tired of going to school, i didnt want to stop. i want to have a better future but i guess that would just be a dream. i want to stop what i am doing. i want to start things all over again. i wish there was someone who could help me on getting through with this. but i guess no one understands me....

i know. no body would be reading such a dramtic and emotional post like this. everything i have wrote is true. i dont care if you would believe it or not.

im gonna cry myself to sleep tonight....again....

look at me, what have i become..i smoke, i drink, i go home around 12 in the morning.with the age of 14, i think im lost. tho i want to stop it, i cant. its really hard when your friends around you does the same. and its really hard coz it feels good. with all these problems i cant help but do these vices. i've tried suicide, but all it has done to me was this scar.  sometimes i wish life has a pause button, so i could just take a rest from all my suffering. most people say that this beautiful face was  a waste coz all of these vices. they say my friends are bad influence. i want to stop. but no one can help me. no one even understands me. god give me strength.

a couple of gay dudes??....no, they're not....they were just one of the highlights of the night....they performed their asses off immitating the internationally aclaimed Pussycatdolls wearing their jerseys....and yes, it was a hell lot of funny....have you guessed what's the big event yet?....it was AWARDS NIGHT for the basketball and volleyball league we had in our subdivision this summer.... me and my friends were part of it!....we formed a volleyball team named valiant( the name of a logboook on the guradhouse)....unfortunately we werent the champion....we only ended up in second place...but it was all good i guess....at least our captainball Karen was the mvp and pretty much won five awards....i guess the intense 4 am and 10 pm practice paid off....

eventhough we werent the champions, its as if we were because we were all happy...we had lots of food and drinks for everyone in the team and the friends....after we accepted the trophy, we brought out a jug....guess what it has inside?....VODKA CRUISER!....we bought it earlier in the mall....and then we drank....it was awesome!....

after the awarding, it was alll dark in the basketball court and they had light as if it was in the disco or something....me and my friends went home and had a bottle of the finest beer that we had....in which case is RED HORSE....and then we returned to the basketball court to mingle with the people....some of them were actually dancing....me and the gals didnt dance coz mainly, we were dizzy and feeling a little vommity....when we felt alot better, we didnt dance....we had another shot of beer....and then we returned to my house and talked until 5 am....after that little talk, we went to my place to sleep....and around 7 am, we woke up and they went back to their houses....

yes it was pretty drinky and weird....but it was all memorable....considering the boylets and he beer....it was actually fun....and it was memorable....having a hang over on a sunday??...

i know this is a little bit crappy, but i just want to share what i felt and what happend in the dream....and if you have the time, you could share what you dreamt about mcr....

+it was 1 o'clock in the morning, i was tired and i wanted to sleep....my eyes are ready to sleep but somehow my brain was wide awake....but soon, i fell asleep....
 in my dream, i was in a building where there are lots of people and there was my friends paul and karen....and then, the float in the music video wttbp suddenly appeared....on the float was mcr itself, playing wwtbp....but i didnt really heard all of it....
  and then, the show ended....it was weird because mcr almost didnt played at all....me and my friends were at the second floor of the building were there is like a little party for mcr....and then i saw gerard!....i immediately walked  and said hi to him....i was at the top of the world! i saw my hero but it was bittersweet....gerard was talking to this girl that i know and i really dont like her that much beacuse she was like a poser or something....
 GERARD: she is the muse of the band (pointing to the girl)....
 ME: really?
 GERARD: yeah, she will go on tour with us....
 ME: wtf? i wanted to go with you....
 THE GIRL: (smiling).....
 ME: fuck!....

 then i became sad and pissed off....gerard saw me being sad and disapointed....my friend asked to took a picture of ,me and gerard and frank....and i accepted it....we went into this room, gerard and frank was finding some decent clothes, i dont know why.....and then we posed for the pic....frank was at the left side, beside him was gerard and beside gerard was me....gerard put his left arm on my shoulder, he put me close to his chest and he put his head on my forehead....i could hear him breathing....and i smiled for the camera....
  GERARD: you have nice eyes and a nice smile....
i was speechless....im shocked.....

  it was time to leave....before i said goodbye to gerard....frank came up to me and we hugged....he hugged me tight....
   ME: see you on the road....godbless....im going to die....take care of yourself and the rest of the boys for me okay....
   FRANK: sure....come on....come with me and say goodye to gerard....
  still,frank's arm was around my shoulder and we tried to find gerard....but he wasnt there....i we searched and looked....but still, he wasnt there....
  
  we saw a door and we opened it....it was very bright....
and then i woke up.....

i woke up and i stared at the ceiling having tears in my eyes....i was speecchless for like an hour....the weird thing is that it my second time on dreaming about mcr and still i woke up crying....and its not because im happy....

that's all thank you....

+alyssa+

what if you like this someone and this someone likes you back, then you start a good relationship together....

but as the day goes by and as the nights grow cold, this someone begins to annoy you....this someone begins to get into your nerves and you begin to hate this someone....

yes its hard coz you like this someone....but you ignore him and tells all kinds of sh+t so that you wouldnt be around this someone....

but this someone is not stupid, this someone knows what you're doing and he asks what's wrong....all you can do is smile or say "nothing's wrong, everything is fine"....

for the first time in your life, you learned how to make a convincing lie....all because of this someone....
you learned how to be careful on choosing who you want to be with....

this someone starts to whine....this someone begins to be so emotional, telling the whole world that he wants to end his life....this someone begins to be a pathetic loser and cries all night long just so you could tell him what's wrong....

but you dont like this someone in a special way anymore....you just want this someone as your friend....but this someone kneels down to your feet....

because you dont want him to like kill his f+cked up self, you start to force yourself to pretend to like him....you do this because you dont want him to be hurt....you sacrificed your own happiness just for someone to not get hurt....

this someone is happy, not knowing that he's been living a great big lie....you continue the deceit not knowing that as the days fade, all the lies become bigger and more painful....

what will you do? live and lie forever or have the guts to tell the truth?....
its never too late to say the truth....
its really ironic o say this but....

"THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE"....literally....

the saddest thing in this story is that....

its all TRUE....
i didnt made this up....

And our memories deafeat us
And in saying you loved me
Made things harder at best
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains
And there's no room in this hell
There's no room in the next
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?.....

+alyssa+

as i emerge from this bLoody pit of
despair,
i spread my wings and fLy....
seeking the corpses of the eviL men
who gave me venom and that has put me
in this gaping hoLe....




i seek vengeance on those who wrong
me....
for that, see bLood in my hands....
i cLaim aLL these bodies and souLs of
the Living dead....




i waLk aLone in a f+cked up worLd that
is fuLL of Lies and deceit....
where peopLe sing songs that make them
sLit their wrists....
where kids cut themseLves with no
reason....
and where friends kiLL each other....




my body is fuLL of poison....
my heart is fuLL of anger, pain and
misery....
and i cry with my bLoody eyes....
yeah....i may be broken but this is
who i am....
you can say what you wanna say....
i dont give a f+ck....




if aLL you eviL men wanna fight....
and if this f+cked up worLd wanna kiLL
me....



















i'LL put my middLe finger up and
say....
....."AMEN"......




















































+my bloody angel+
















+++alyssa+++